you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
