I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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