Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
