she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
