home. puking in laundry basket.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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