If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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