im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
