why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
