if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
