gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
