Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
