grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
