I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
