so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize