So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
