yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
