did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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