rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
