I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
