he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
