I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
