Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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