he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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