There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
