The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This baby is an asshole
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
