The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
