This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i want to swaddle you in tequila
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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