my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
