I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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