No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
