So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
