If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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