saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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