I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
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The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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