I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
