So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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