I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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