when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sobbing to NWA
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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