i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
