I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
