I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
