wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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