Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
