Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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