I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
