He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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