Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
