tonight lets celebrate not being married
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
