Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
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He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
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I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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