Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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