she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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