see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize