You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
